When I was a teenager, I fell gravely ill with anorexia. I was so ill, that even the threat of being sectioned under the Mental Health Act by my desperate parents, as I turned 18, did not lure the illness into submission or petrify me sufficiently to help me. Eating disorders, specifically anorexia, are deeply complex and difficult to treat. It's estimated that at least 1.25 million people in the UK have an eating disorder. For me this illness became the ultimate nuclear weapon; obliterating all joy, all light, all connection to any kind of life or living.
Arianna Walker, CEO of Mercy UK, the Christian mental health and wellbeing charity puts it like this: “Eating disorders are not simply about food or weight; they are complex mental health conditions often rooted in deep emotional pain, perfectionism, or a need for control.”
I almost lost my fight on two occasions. I was in utter denial, narrowly escaping death when I managed to gain just enough weight to keep breathing.
What does the God story say?
Jesus teaches us to “love your neighbour, as you love yourself” (Matthew 22:39). Yet it was this seemingly simple act that I had been incapable of carrying out. I could only see myself as a ‘rotting liability’, not a loving neighbour.
I finally relented and sought professional psychiatric intervention, after two decades of being unwell. But it wasn’t until I began investing in my relationship with God that I really noticed a significant change. Spending time getting to know who Jesus really is, and His tangible relatability to the human condition has both equipped and empowered me to manage my disorder. The protection from harm and blissful balance that He provides (and that we all crave) is beautifully illustrated in Jeremiah 29:11:
“For I know the plans I have for you…plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” (NIV)
Knowing God’s heart and applying wisdom
There has been clinical pushback over the years from cognitive behaviour emotional regulation therapy regarding the use of biblical practices and the negative, damaging effect they can have on eating disorders.
Back to Arianna, who says, “For many Christians, there is an added tension between their faith and their mental health, with feelings of guilt or shame compounding their struggles and many church activities centred around food and eating, which can be triggering.”
I remember my psychologist asking me about whether my family was religious and then randomly blurted out the word ‘sin’ to me in one of my sessions. This is something that I have had to examine myself. To see where the truth lies. And I keep coming back to the same place – harm. My disorder means me harm. God does not.
So, in continuing to try to educate myself, I have learned that not participating in fasting and blocking out the latest healthy eating trends and exercise regimes doesn’t mean God loves me any less. I am purely applying His wisdom and taking responsibility for my condition.
Finding hope in recovery
I feel as if God has given me permission to expose my vulnerability, my fallibility, without shame. My self-published poetry anthology It’s Not Just Celery naturally flowed from my quest to look after myself, as God willed it. It is a stark yet creative blend of my coping mechanisms, namely partnering with God and writing poetry. I admit I still find anhedonia plagues me which is why my daily routine of prayer, Bible reading and journaling with God is vital for me in understanding and learning to embrace the emotion of joy.
Given my own discovery and personal pathway so far, I pray that all those affected by an eating disorder be curious and find the peace that has evaded them, by opening up a Bible and making a new, eternal friend, today. I did just that. I am grateful that I am still here, appreciating what it means to be alive, be human, (just as Jesus was) and be able to share an insight of my experiences with you.
I pray it is a blessing to you. I have been labelled many things over the years, but all I know is I am, as are you, a child of God. His patient grace, His unconditional love, His gift of genuine hope, is our oxygen.
If you are struggling with an eating disorder, please speak to your local GP.
To find out more about Mercy UK and their services visit: mercyuk.org
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